Ups & Downs

Ups and Downs is definitely the theme of this blog. There are situations where I have no control and it feels like the stress is swallowing me sometimes; then there are moments where I have never felt such a sense of agency in being able to impact others and I have never felt such confidence as a social worker and teacher.  There are times I feel exploited in my interactions with others and am just seen as a guy with money or someone that will do the work that needs to be done; there are times when I feel I make the most organic, genuine connections with strangers and that people are so concerned about me.   There are times I wonder what I am doing here; there are others it feels like it was destiny to be here. 

Sunday

Not a whole lot happening.  We had electricity for 24 hours for the first time since I’ve been here….that of course ended by the afternoon, but it did allow we a full charge on my laptop and so I was relatively productive today.

Monday

Today, I went to the office and Dr. Jarrett helped me buy a laser printer.  I must say that he is a shrewd negotiator.   Given the amount that I anticipate needing to print and scan (since there are not printers/photocopy machines to use at the university and my propensity to give out handouts in classes), I wanted a pretty heavy duty printer.  So, a printer was originally priced at 2.5 million leones (about $500).  Well, Doc Jarrett managed to get that price cut in half.

Then, there was a faculty meeting where Abu and I presented our proposed new curriculum for the sociology degrees.  I received positive feedback, but there were definitely areas of disagreement but no solutions given.  For example, they have two different Masters degrees in Sociology (a Masters of Science in Sociology and a Masters of Philosophy in Sociology) but there is not a clear description of how they are different.  They do not even have a current curriculum documented with course descriptions available for the degrees. So, if the faculty is not really sure what classes the students take (both of these are active degree programs), I can only imagine the confusion of the students.  I asked for a distinction between these degrees probably 5 times and each time was told that was for me to determine, but my proposal was rejected without specific feedback.  I just gave up asking the same question. I am really working on trying to “let things go” and go with the flow instead of going to a mental place of how I feel things “should” be (There should be curriculum complete with syllabi for all courses.  The sociology faculty should have a greater part in figuring this out. We should be able let students know what kind of jobs they can get when they get this degree…There should be some sort of advising system for students...and so forth).  But, that raises my blood pressure just typing it out, so I certainly need to catch myself going to that place (which happens relatively often here) to reduce the unhelpful frustration it stirs up.

That being said…. I feel like I am positively contributing to the department and more importantly that I am a part of the department.  I was able to be assertive in stating my areas of uncertainty and places that I needed more active feedback from others. 

I am not sure if I mentioned it in an earlier post, but we do have a start date.  The first day of classes will actually be on my birthday—November 4.  So, what a way to bring in my 34 b-day…I can only imagine the chaos that day will be.   And, I also need to really refocus—I’ve been somewhat sidetracked and I need to get my syllabi in place…I think the more lackadaisical culture here (i.e., we do not have an actual schedule of times for the classes yet and students have yet to register) has brushed off a little bit in terms of getting my readings and lectures prepped.

Tuesday, October 22

Today, I met my first research assistant.  Dr. Jarrett prefaced me that this student was in great need and, in fact, without me providing this scholarship, she would not be able to continue with her education.  She comes from a single parent home and was basically told by her mother to get married, much like her older sister was married off.  Dr. Jarrett told me that many young women end up in this situation and then end up giving up an education to marry “any illiterate guy” that will marry her.  This, of course, sets the young woman down a path of doing odd jobs/petty trading, having children, and likely repeating a cycle of poverty.  It’s really a powerful feeling to be able to help set someone’s life down a completely different path by providing such a opportunity, but it’s also overwhelming knowing there are so many others in this young woman’s situation. Whether you call it a blessing, karma, fate, etc., I’m grateful that the Fulbright Award is generous enough to allow me to do this.

So, when I finally had a chance to meet her, I took Fatmata to the café by campus and we had a conversations about the responsibilities of the position.  Basically, she will have to recruit and interview 40 other young women seeking undergraduate degrees in Sierra Leone.  I’m interested in looking at their current sense of well-being and perceptions of social supports.  Additionally, we will be looking at students’ current struggles in education, how they work through them, and also about their earlier educational experiences.  My other research assistant will interview 40 young men so we can do some comparisons between male/females.   Fatmata was lovely and very poised.  I was a little worried because Dr. Jarrett was adamant about making “financial need” the primary criteria for this award yet I also need someone with academic strengths and an outgoing personality.  Famata told me some of her story, which was in line with what I heard earlier—her mother telling her there is no money to go to school and that she should get married.  So, I am hoping that she will be able pull together the remaining amount of her tuition (about $125) for the next two years that I’ll be sponsoring her and then she has her senior year to pay for.

On another note, I know sometimes I can be negative about the university here, but I do want to say that the faculty in social work really do care about the students and want them to be successful.  One of my colleagues has been jumping through all sorts of hoops to get in touch with my other research assistant, and he was even going to go to his house later today to try to find him.  In the U.S., it would be a simple e-mail to a student, but that is definitely not the case here, where very few people even use voicemail.

Wednesday October 23

Today was a pretty eventful day at the after school program.  I started by meeting with five students’ parents because of their attendance/tardiness/lack of work issues.  I discovered that three of the younger girls in the program are kin to some of the teachers in the school.  The teachers were pleading me to keep the girls in the program. So, now, I understand how these girls, who are not as ready for this job, were recommended for the job. That being said, each of the girls and the teachers had a sad story – I know from the seeing the payroll that the teachers are making less than $50/month…these teachers are young men who have taken in their orphan cousins and thus are really struggling.  So, we did some corrective action planning and I think we were all pleased with the result.  The one girl that I have had a really, really hard time connecting with (and who I fear may have some sexual abuse in the past/present)—her sister came in and had no affect whatsoever when I was trying to communicate with her through a translator.  It could be cultural or a sign of respect (or intimidation of me), but the flat affect closely resembles the young woman in my program, which makes me worry about family system dynamics.   I also saw this particular student being scolded (and potentially threatened with corporal punishment) and she was crying…that was when my heart really went out to her and I felt that the program could be really healing for her—although I definitely think it would ideal if I had a female co-instructor to do some counseling.

Wednesday, my last group, who was not ready last week, made their presentations about school cleanliness and I must say I was really happy with how they came together.  I was really uncertain if they would be able to pull it off, and in some aspects, they made the best presentations.

When I came home, I saw all sorts of Facebook posts about there being frost on cars and flurries in Chicago.  I must say I will NOT miss going a year without snow…I think I’ll take riding in my overcrowded poda-podas rather than driving in snow.

Thursday

Today, I met with Fredline, the other Fulbright Scholar, and Dr. Jarrett about submitting a proposal to hold an international policy conference in Sierra Leone.  We had a great exchange in conceptualizing a theme—Whether the Millennium Development Goals blueprint is applicable to Africa…but were left feeling a little overwhelmed at writing the proposal.

Friday

My program again started with conversations with two parents/students about being late.  Two very different scenarios.  One of the boys’ father, who comes from a relatively more financially stable household, came in and said his son has not excuse for being late and, in fact, he has cut down on his son’s chores because of the job.  This same father intercepted my conversation with the other student and her family member (a cousin’s boyfriend--not exactly a ‘parent’ that I requested, but this was the only family member she could have come).  The father pleaded on behalf of this girl, who he knows from the neighborhood.  He told me she is up at 5AM doing chores in the house, then her family sends her out to the streets to sell various products, then she is allowed to come to work/school.  She is an orphan and living with relatives…and, to me, it is basically slavery.  She has no childhood whatsoever.  Her cousin’s boyfriend seemed to be receptive to what I said, as I was adamant that the money she makes with me is probably the same if not more than she will get selling…plus she is furthering her education. 

This whole exchange as well as my Wednesday meetings really made the movie Half the Sky (which I finished watching earlier this week) resonate. Half the Sky is basically about gender inequalities and how vulnerable girls and women are in many parts of the world. Sierra Leone is actually one of the featured countries in the movie, highlighting the issue of gender-based violence.  The film discusses domestic violence as well as the high frequency of sexual abuse in the country.  It features the story of a 14 year-old girl, who was abused by a Pastor.  He was freed, despite there being a lot of evidence of multiple abuses, while she and her mother were kicked out the house by her father for shaming the family.  Such a contradiction on how things should be. The movie also features other countries and issues (i.e., sex trafficking, lack of education).  

This is just a real life example of the exploitation that can happen.

In the afternoon, Lebbie took me to the “provinces”—that is, the areas outside of Freetown.  There are northern, eastern, and southern provinces – we went to Bo in the South. 

The journey entailed a nearly 5 hour bus ride on a TIGHTLY packed bus.  People were nearly on each other’s laps in order to ensure every bit of space was filled.  I made an interesting observation on the bus ride.  There was a mother with a young child – I would guess a little over a year old … maybe 18 months at most.  The mother left the baby asleep on the bus for a short while at one of our pitstops.  The baby awoke but did not cry or really respond at all to her mother not being present.  That just made me think of attachment.  In attachment research, there is something called the “Strange Situation” experiment, where a mother leaves a child about this age alone in a room to see the baby’s reaction.  In a secure attachment, the child becomes upset but then is quickly soothed by the mother upon her return.   There are of course insecure attachments and corresponding reactions (i.e., the baby cannot be soothed by the mother, the baby is indifferent to the mother’s leaving and reentry, the baby responds in bizarre ways).  So, that made me wonder what this experiment would look like in Africa.  I mean children are so independent here compared to the U.S.   Often, outside my compound, there are many children under the age of 2/3 playing alone outside.  So, children learn early on how to be on their own without having that secure base readily available.

In Bo, I stayed with Lebbie’s brother’s family.  As has been the case throughout my stay, they were quite welcoming and made me feel at home. The mother was a wonderful cook, who made some traditional African dishes (i.e., potato leaves) over the weekend.  Bo is second largest city in Sierra Leone, but definitely had a different “feel” than Freetown.  It certainly was not as crowded.  Additionally, there are no taxis or poda podas to get around; so, if you want transportation, you depend on okadas (the motorbikes)—which are not the optimal or safest option, especially with the severely bumpy roads.  Bo, though, does have a more consistent electricity supply than Freetown due to the hydroelectric plant.  So, I would say there was electricity 80%-90% of the time we were there.  What they have in electricity, however, they lack in running water.  They are dependent on wells for the water, so it was back to bucket showers for me.  I can definitely survive on bucket showers, but I have to say I really do appreciate having a decent shower at my residence in Freetown.  Not having running water is so time-consuming for the families.  They have to go to the well with buckets, then they have a tank of water in the house to fill up, then they need to fill up buckets again to use to flush the toilet/take showers/wash clothes/etc.

On Friday night, we went out for live music and then a dance club.  It was much fun….and really what I needed after a stressful week and upcoming week.   While out, I did quickly realize how many commercial sex workers there were and how direct they were.  Being a white man (and thus being perceived as having money), I was immediately propositioned.  So, I did my best to dance solo and politely push away those that approached me.  It was actually really, really sad how desperate—to be blunt—many of the women were.  These were little girls once with dreams and aspirations and now they see themselves as just objects to be used by men.  I really had never encountered anything like it before, and really was not expecting to encounter it here given my preconceived ideas that Africa was sexually more conservative.  So, that was definitely the downer of an otherwise fun night.

Otherwise, the weekend was pretty low key.  I did get to experience Palm Wine on Saturday and Sunday.  Palm Wine is an alcohol tapped from palm trees.  There are locations where men just gather and buy gallons of palm wine (a gallon is a little over $1) and drink out whatever container is available, including empty mayonnaise containers.

Sunday was spent at the family’s house…and truthfully my anxieties started to rise thinking about all I had to do and the fact that classes are supposed to start on Monday. So, I was relieved when we were able to get back to Freetown in the early afternoon on Monday.

Upon returning home, I quickly hit some roadblocks. First, internet was not working.  I hadn’t checked my e-mail in 4 days and was expecting some important correspondence.  Plus, I have a meeting tomorrow about the policy conference are trying to put together and the proposal for which is due Nov 4.   I then hit another block as I tried to use my copier/printer to get my readings/etc. printed…and the software package did not work on my computer.  I could not believe it.  The thought of having to return this printer was just too much.  It’s a domino effect – and I get back to my “shoulds.”  The internet that I pay for SHOULD be working; I SHOULD not be having so many problems with my printer; I SHOULD have checked out my printer before bringing it all the way home.    So, I was pretty cranked up as this mixed with my anxieties about classes starting and so forth. 

Thankfully, I have been doing well at incorporating mindfulness into my life here, so tried to re-center.  Then, I went for a short run and ended up playing football with the neighborhood kids for about two hours.  Some of the young men in their early 20s joined, and were as nice as the little kids in trying to get me the ball.  And, one would not let the game end until I scored a goal and eventually contrived a way for me to score as the sun set (though I will say that I did score a legit goal before he joined us). 

Tuesday

Well, today, at the office found me back at that emotional state I was in before the soccer game yesterday…actually worse.  I went to the university with the expectation that we would be having a meeting about the Africa Policy Conference – well, I was the only one to show after waking up really early to get my part done as internet started working again at like 5AM.  It was then decided that we are just going to nix the whole proposal due to seeming lack of interest after I called the other Fulbright Scholar.

I then found out that I have to go back to the embassy to fill out paperwork (that I have asked about the previous three times I was at the embassy) because my temporary visa expired in the beginning of October without me noticing.  So, that is just something else to deal with! 

I further inquired to see if there is a schedule of when I am supposed to teach, umm, next week…and it still has not been done.  I just do not get how I will find 100 students to have a class when they have no idea when or where their class is… Honestly, I do not even know if they know what classes they are taking.  The other Fulbrighter told me that she found out that you negotiate when you meet with the class…yeah…negotiate with 100 students to find a time to have class.   This approach was later verified by two former university students I talked with.  I do believe that the social work department will have some semblance of a schedule…It just may not be done til the day of classes.   It just does not make sense to me why the university would not try to make this more organized…of course, this is the perspective of an American professor whose university sets up the schedule nearly a year in advance rather than a day in advance. 

I just wanted to be done with the day at this point…so I left the office early.  In the afternoon, again, I leveled out.  I had an awesome exchange with the taxi driver and other riders…then I got my first African haircut.  Well, actually it was by a Lebanese barber (there is a fairly large Lebanese population here).  Although at this stage in my travelling, this should be easy – going for the haircut was actually pretty anxiety provoking (i.e., finding a barber, explaining what I need done to my hair, etc.), but it turned out to be painless and he did a fine job.   When I was waiting for my haircut, I felt bad for the barber’s ‘assistant.’  This young guy was just sitting outside waiting for a customer to finish, then he would sweep, and then resume his seat outside.  I was terribly bored the 15 minutes I was waiting…I cannot imagine that being my job and then getting paid pennies. 

I then took a long walk back to Lumley.  After having had thoughts of why I was here earlier in the day, I was reminded as I passed by a woman and her kids and she greeted me and said “I want to be your friend.”  I do not think she was looking for the same ‘friendship’ as the women in Bo.  I think that is people’s way of just welcoming you to the country.  Often, people will call me “good friend” or randomly ask to be my friend.  Of course, there are people with ulterior motives, but I believe in general it’s just a warm welcome.

Wednesday

Today, at the program, I had the students add up their timesheets as Saturday is pay day.  None of the teens knew how to add decimals (i.e. if they worked 1.5 or 1.25 hrs).  I was just stunned and saddened… how will they ever get caught up with these basic skills? I need to build in more academic exercises in the program, or maybe set up an extra academic class before program one day.

I had some wins and losses with technology today.  I managed to get my printer to work properly after many hours fighting it to print properly over the past few days. But, internet was done all day.  It has been so troublesome the past few days, which makes it difficult to get work done.

Thursday, October 31

Today, I had a meeting with my research team.  I met my second research assistant, Abdullai.  The other faculty member did an introduction and basically said that Abdullai was selected because he was an orphan.  He then talked about how he is one of the best  students, but I was caught off guard by that being his introduction.  In social work, we try to use “person first” when identifying someone with a problem/struggle (i.e., a man with a mental illness rather than a mentally ill man) to recognize that aspect of the person is just part of their identity.  I can’t help but feel that it is stigmatizing to identify someone as an orphan; I doubt that would be the first thing he would want me to know about him. 

In any case, the meeting was productive; I think I have a strong research team and both were really interested in the study.

I also finally found out the course timetable—when I’ll be teaching; I was then asked to type it up and send it out and also saw my name as co-teaching a fourth course. So, somehow ended up with more responsibilities in that exchange.   The idea of co-teaching in some ways is more unappealing than teaching it myself – just because I can tell my approach to teaching is so different.  I am finding it so hard to collaborate with individuals here.

I am also going to have to start setting some boundaries. I am already overfunctioning, which of course is something I have done since grade school through every job I have had.  But, this also puts me in a position of being exhausted and becoming resentful.  I just feel bad that the students at this college are just being cheated out of an optimal education.  They accept that their class schedule gets posted on campus three days before classes start and classes seem to be ‘thrown together.’